“Houston, we’ve got a pre-problem.”
The pharmaceutical companies have done it again, they have proven the depth of their genuine concern for the health of our entire citizenry. They are so concerned, they are “pre-concerned.” And what does this mean? It means that scientists working for the pharmaceutical companies believe they have discovered a key concept about our health. Hundreds of millions of us – probably every last one – have been walking around thinking we were doing pretty good health-wise, but actually we are all in the early stages of chronic pre-sickness. That’s right, it turns out that the human condition is really just a temporary pre-condition of debilitating disease.
Now, before this worrisome news triggers any pre-anxiety attacks or pre-depression mood swings, please hold on, because help is on the way. But first let’s review the pre-facts.
Having healthy clinical signs and passing all the diagnostic tests with flying colors means nothing at all anymore. In the old days the EKGs, CBCs, EEGs, MRIs, and PSATs were trusted indicators of an individual’s health condition, but no longer. This does not mean doctors will henceforth cease ordering all those expensive tests, it just means the results will be duly noted and duly ignored.
The first signs of the coming wave of pre-sickness emerged years ago with a smattering of diagnoses being charted for “pre-hypertension.” With pre-hypertension, the heart sounds good, the cardio tests are good and everything else about the person’s health seems to be fine. Fine, that is, unless you have been specially trained to spot the subtle signs of pre-hypertension, such as patients having a pulse or owning a pair of shoes.
A related, but also widely overlooked pre-sickness that affects virtually the entire population of the U.S. is pre-high-cholesterol. If you have “good” cholesterol numbers, don’t be fooled. If your current MD tells you your blood test results are “normal,” you need to switch to a doctor who knows what’s what. Normal means only one thing: pre-abnormal. You’ll need to take action steps right away before real and pseudo-scientifically verifiable problems actually occur.
Little by little, drug scientists have begun to realize the enormous pre-problem we have on our hands, and that’s when the painstaking journey to find answers began. Numerous week-long conferences continue to be held at five-star hotels in the Bahamas with preeminent expert panels, endless rounds of golf, late night discussions in the spa over cocktails, and gourmet banquets featuring entertainment by scantily-clad hot females.
But now, thanks to all of the hard work and sacrifices of Big Pharma and its doctors, scientists, and government regulatory hand puppets, the solution is finally at hand. We can all stop worrying about our previously unrealized potential health problems and get on with normal life.
The answer is so simple, we wonder why it took so long to discover it. In order to keep the “pre” in pre-hypertension, pre-high-cholesterol and pre-depression, all that is needed is – are you ready for this? – drugs! All it takes is one pill each day for the rest of your life for each pre-ailment you might one day possibly be at risk of maybe having. And don’t worry, these drugs are all approved by the FDA.
Are you surprised that drug-company-funded scientists would be able to come up with such a refreshingly ingenious and original idea? Not me, I have come to expect nothing less from the laboratories of our fine drug houses.
The amazing part about all of this is that the drugs needed to treat all these scary pre-problems have been right under our noses the whole time. This means we won’t have to wait for years while the FDA wastes precious time mulling over silly drug side effects and safety issues.
The very same drugs that we’ve been using to treat actual hypertension reportedly will work just as well for pre-hypertension. Likewise, pre-high-cholesterol can be treated with the same drugs as actual high cholesterol, pre-depression can be treated with real depression anti-depressants, and so on. Pre-headache, pre-heartburn, pre-constipation, pre-attention deficit disorder; the list of pre-problems stretches on seemingly forever.
I wonder if the drug companies have yet realized they are sitting on a veritable goldmine? Once people can be made aware of the entire panoply of pre-problems that are possible, all the new pre-prescriptions will be flying off the pharmacy shelves. Then, at the point when pre-sickness begins tapering off and actual problems begin showing up, the only thing doctors need to do is tweak the dosage using the same meds. Brilliant.
National health leaders are concluding that the massive pre-maladies facing our society are so daunting and so extensive that it will require massive pre-sickness education. Qualified doctors will soon begin receiving pre-disease training at special pre-schools. Once doctors have been carefully pre-trained to pre-diagnose pre-diseases, they can properly prescribe pre-medications. Of course, they will also need to know when to refer out for pre-surgery.
I guess the only question left is, who is going to pre-pay for all of this? Just kidding, we already know the answer to that one.